tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 26, 2013 7:00pm-7:30pm PST
al sharpton are asleep at the wheel on this whole "negro" thing. so go to comedycentral.com/tosh.0 and sign up. and while you're there not being racist, keep up with our daily blog. and check out the tosh tour twenty ten. and make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. next week, we go deep, deep inside what what in the butt? - ♪ i said, what what in the butt? ♪ ♪ i said what what in the butt? ♪ ♪ you wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? ♪ ♪ you wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? ♪ ♪ you wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? ♪ ♪ let's do it in the butt - speaking of anal... it's time for the twitter question of the week. i asked you guys what your plans were for the summer. angel said: "come to my sweet sixteen!" ha ha ha! what are you, crazy? of course i'm gonna be there. ah. i'll bring the condoms! beaver said:
[laughs] that's okay. that's okay. that just means jon stewart makes you laugh, and i make you rock hard. [laughter and applause] alex said: that's one solution. dizzy panda said: well, if you live in los angeles, dizzy, that would be 682 dumps. participation may vary. kc green said: well, if i were to guess what book you're reading, it'd be [bleep] you, [bleep] by dan brown. krakn said, "i watched lopez tonight for the first time, so i won't be doing that." [laughter and applause] i tell you who watches lopez every night: a hooker. that guy sleeps with hookers.
now i know why you wanted your wife's kidney so bad. so you could keep [bleep] hookers. sounds like everyone's gonna have a great summer. see you next week. good night. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't believe him, coman in. this is "the colbert report".
captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter]
folks -- if you watch this show, and we're on an honor's system here, i know there's one thing i'm don't -- i don't like about hollywood awarder sermon yours. it's when i'm not nominated. last night the oscars took top achievement in chapping my hide. last night there were hit and misses on the red carpet. jennifer lawrence radiant, jessica chastain, rav vashing but anne hathaway -- no! no! girl, if i want to see an oscar
nominee and a pair of rock hard nipples, i'd watch hugh jackman work out with scott pelley. [laughter] [cheers and applause] as for the awards themselves, i don't know what to say. they had the gal to give our mernl -- gall to give our army oscars to a limey, a germy and -- [laughter] when it was the best award, was it presented by a movie star? no, it was presented by michelle obama followed by a piefl wrinkled laundry. [cheers and applause] [laughter] oh, and did mrs. obama give it to the most american movie "zero dark thirty"? no. wouldn't want to hon yort movie that killed bin land.
her husband has to get all the credit for that. [ laughter ] we all know hollywood doesn't reward torture films because if they did, the winner would have been "battleship." no, no, last night the oscar goes to -- >> argo, congratulations. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> stephen: big surprise, hollywood honors the film where hollywood is the hero. [laughter] and, folks, to have the first lady that is just big government out of control. [ laughter ] now the private sector can't even broadcast its own congrat latoury stroke fest without government intervengs. what is next: how much with win
phoenix can eat during the ceremony? a ramp for jennifer lawrence? [laughter] this is just beginning. next summer the movie will be harry reid driving the speed limit. wreck it ravel was robbed. it's been two months since the shooting at sandy hook but the media won't let the story gun where. the media won't drop it. where is the in-depth reporten the salsa dog? ♪ salsa dog: could it happen in your town? [laughter] this moreid obsession with the tens of thousands of people killed every year with guns is all part of the media's anti-gun
agun agenda it's and not fueling the nra president wayne "the pierre" lapierre. >> the media rushes to blame guns. >> stephen: he's right. everyone time is something is shot the media rushes to blame guns. to the media a smoking gun is always a smoking gun. some journalists are so prejudice against guns they've sunk to journalism. [laughter] because there's no national databusiness of shootings they've been tallying the shootings since newtown. it's more than 30 a day. i know that number sounds high but there's only 28 days in february, remember. [ laughter ] in a recent poll 93% of americans favor background
checks. we can't trust those 93%. we don't know their background. [laughter] luckily we can fight this will negative reporting about guns and that brings us top tonight's -- brings us to tonight's word: silent but deadly. [cheers and applause] this isn't the first time our second amendment rights have been threatened by fact. in 1993 the jackfood stat titions at the centers for disease control published a study of gun households. now, according to the study not only were guns ineffective in home protection but people who kept guns in their homes appeared to be at greatest risk of homicide than people who do not. sure, with a gun in my house my family is less safe, but isn't that a small price to pay for my family's safety? [cheers and applause] [laughter] besides why on earth -- someone
tell me -- why is the center for disease control studying guns? guns aren't a disease. i didn't get my semiautomatic from sitting on a so toilet sea. [ laughter ] who knows how much damage this information could have done if it was in the wrong hands. luckily the nra stepped up. in 1994 the nra successfully lobbied congress to keep this restriction in the budget. >> stephen: the nra made the government stop studying effects of guns and in the 17 years since we've remained perfectly safe, as far as we know. [ laughter ] unfortunately, folks, years of hard not work may soon be undone because with the stroke of a pen obama just directed the cdc to
resume scientific studies on gun violence saying he wants to protect people from guns. [laughter] now, once again we're facing old our enemy from the 90s. [ laughter ] folks, we are facing the threat -- [ applause ] brsh the threat of information. thankfully patriots like david bartne rerks fighting back with positive stories of guns in our schools. >> great example in the 1850's, a school teacher teaching a guy in the west. a guy from new england wants to kill him and find him. he comes into the school with his gun to shoot the teacher. he decided not to shoot her because the kids pulled out their guns and said you kill the teach yerk you die. okay. real sim stuffs.
>> stephen: remember, guns are like gum, you have to bring enough for the entire class. [laughter] the blogochats are saying he lifted that story from the louie l'amour bendigo shafter. is that really a book? it sounds look a north american porn star. [ laughter ] even if he borrowed it from a book there's nothing wrong with taking a story from a book and saying it's real. [cheers and applause] the only thing out there that can stop a bad guy with good information ask a good guy with bad information like nra president wayne lapierre. >> if a tornado hit, a hurricane hit, if a ride occurs, they are out there alone and the only way they are going to protect them self-in the cold, in the dark,
when they are vuller in imrabl with a firearm. >> stephen: yes, if only somebody threaten hurricane sandy with a shotgun. the northeast won't be in this -- wouldn't be in this mess. [laughter] top counter all the negative stories about guns out there we have to follow wayne and david and make up positive stories about guns. for instance,: did you know that four out of five dentists recommend that you own a gun? [laughter] or that abraham lincoln actually died from -- [laughter] join me from standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. let the cdc know they can take our ignorance whenpry ity pry i]
>> stephen: welcome back. thanks very much. [cheers and applause] nation, as you may know, on thursday pope benedict will be stepping down. and as television's foremost roman catholic i'll have full coverage of this story in pope watch: 2013678 i'll be on the ground live from rome to cover the story up close and papal.
this wednesday il papa will give his last public audience and circle st. peter's square in the pope noble salute the enormous crowd. naturally, the jackals in the media are take advantage of pope's exit to strike with new scandal rumors. >> blackmail sex scandal. allegations involving the catholic's church. >> allegations involving sex, prostitution and blackmail. >> a secret network of gay priests. >> alleges that a network that they may have made themselves vulnerable to male prostitutions. >> stephen: that's right. there's even claims of hidden camera footage. [ laughter ] but, folks, i don't believe that vatican footage. there are women in there.
[laughter] this information -- [cheers and applause] -- not allowed. they are just not allowed in. this information about sex parties allegedly comes from an investigation the pope himself ordered last april and was recently delivered to him in a 300-page two volume dossier bound in red leather, unless bound in red leather was one of the acts described. [laughter] the italian newspaper says that pope benedict made the decision to step down on december 17, the same day he received the report. so either the report does have very damning evidence or the pope didn't want to read 300 pages. [ laughter ] naturally, the vatican issued a strong response to the allegations saying it's deplorable that as we draw closer to the beginning of conclave that there be a
widespread distribution of often unverified, unverifiable or completely false news stories. okay these stories are completely false is one of three options that the church is offering. [laughter] [cheers and applause] look, ladies and gentlemen -- [laughter] ladies and gentlemen, i'm not going to sugarcoat it. i can't. it's lent. [ laughter ] the church, my church, has had some problems. yes, he was molested and money was launders. but that's all in the past now. side new day for the catholic church. sex scandals scandals are behin. >> the pope accepting the resignation of british cardinal keith o'brien who found hill self-the subject of a sex
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. my guest tonight has written a book about the evolution of maps. right, they descended from monkeys, too. please welcome simon garfield. [cheers and applause] thank you so much for coming on. all right, sir, you are the awjor of several books including the best selling international best selling "just my type." it bled lid of typography. >> important thing. >> stephen: without typeo grapy led to your next book. this book is called "on the map a mind blowing exploration of the way the world looks." why maps i have gps.
why should i care about maps. >> stephen: thank you. >> in a way -- >> stephen: you are doing well right now, watch it. >> maps are our history really. you have to look at our mobile phone in ten years time it will have google maps, apple maps, if you are unfortunate. [ laughter ] basically, you won't know whether we discovered anything new. they are not beautiful to look at. everyone in the world has the same map. >> stephen: and they work really well and tell me where to go. why does a map have to be an object of art? >> one reason you wouldn't be here now in america basically. columbus didn't have google maps. he thought he was going to hit, you know, japan. and -- >> stephen: right, if he had ak -- accurate maps we would all
be japanese now. are you saying maps in general are a good thing. >> a fan -- he said not all those who will wonder aloft. that's the thing about old maps. i love the idea of discovering new places through error. one thing i talked about in the book is these mythical things that don't really exist but we sort of imagined them on maps. maps help us dream. >> stephen: that's one of the things that i like about old maps. is that they had the sea searchents out -- serpents out there with the coils and everything. i don't see those on maps. is it overfishing? why are they not on the map? >> i miss them, too. the reason they existed on old maps because people thought we can't admit we don't know what
lies this land so we're going to put in terrible beasts. >> stephen: here they be tigers it would say. >> the phrase here be dragons didn't actually exist on any map. it's a myth. existed on the globe. >> stephen: a globe is not a map? >> it's not quite a map. >> stephen: what is it? >> a globe is -- >> stephen: it's a round map. >> it's a round map okay. >> stephen: you say that tolmpe is a bad ass inconsistent map making. what made him so influenceful? >> he draw the atlas didn't have the maps just had what countries lie in relation to other countries and what vicinities were in relation to other places. he worked on three continents.
>> stephen: how accurate was it among the three couldn't neves. >> well pretty. he had the shapes. >> stephen: if you don't have an aerial view. how did you get shapes? did a blind go on the coast goes it's bumpy, it dips out, bump, bump, that's the horn of africa. how do you do it? >> if you were looking for gold and silk, you went around and navigated and found out the shape of the country. >> stephen: you literally remember everything? >> absolutely wrote them down on maps. he did the great library of alexandria and their maps maps e compli caifltd with those maps could you build an accurate view of the world. >> stephen: do you have a favorite map? >> it's of london, where i'm
from, and it has the t had, ames running through it, handmade about six years ago. all sorts of areas of london and one red blog which is wealthy and the rest of the map is written: losers. [laughter] >> stephen: can you get me a copy of that? >> i sure can. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. simon garfield "on the